I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
being pregnant is like rehab
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Randomize
