Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
