woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
I'm always down for nudity.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
