just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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