i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
