i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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