8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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