your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
