Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
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