Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
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