im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
