I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
