he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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