That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
We have started to decorate penises.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Randomize
