i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
