I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
