Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
