i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Randomize
