Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Randomize