some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
