Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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