Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
