lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
