I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
It's blow job season.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
