are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
