I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I'm getting married
To pizza
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
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