I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Randomize
