Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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