Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
