Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I think I'm cybering, it's been a while and its more in depth than it was in 8Th grade.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
