No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
i was born a porn star she said
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
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