so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
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