What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I don't deserve a penis
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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