I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
I FOUND THE LEGS
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Randomize
