We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
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