We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
