I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Randomize
