I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Randomize
