you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
