Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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