My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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