i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
