I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
this boner is exhausting
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
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