What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Randomize
