I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
