we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
