Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
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