You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
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