okay pat passed out under dana's car
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Randomize
