my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
