I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
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