Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
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