I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
