Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
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My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
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I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
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