Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Randomize
